Funny DnD Stories

Stealing Immortality, Part 17

Sun, 19 May 2013 17:10:00 +0000

When we last left off we had finished off Loki and Auril has shown herself. Jay had stolen Loki's Godhood, and we were actually rather beaten up from the fight with him.

Z: "Well that's dildos. Not even five minutes after we drop the last bastard, Shiva comes along. Fantastic."

Steve: "Shiva?"

Z: "You know, the only summon in Final Fantasy that was worth a shit besides Bahamut. Or Yojimbo and Anima from X."

Steve: "Ohhh, right. Ice babes. Gotcha."

Z: "Howsabout we try to reason with her? I mean, yeah, we killed one of the few people in this world that she tolerated, but maybe if I told her she was a beautiful woman and to meet me topside for dinner she'd leave us be for now."

Jay: "For some reason, I don't see that working. Like, ever. But it was a nice thought."

Z: "Thanks for the support. Galactic asshat."

Heidi: "Well, we might as well roll initiative and get this over with."

We all rolled miserably. Auril got the first shot, and it was a hell of a hit. The non-Gods among us found ourselves saving vs. death against an attack that was just like Shiva's Diamond Dust.

Chris: "A huge gust of frigid air bites right down to your bones. You can feel the bitter cold freezing what moisture there is in the air around you, forming ice crystals around your limbs. Those of you that saved trudge behind the nearest form of cover and avoid the gust. Those of you that didn't, Matt and Gandalf... you're both frozen solid. Auril snaps her fingers, and the both of you shatter into thousands of shards of ice. The wind sweeps away the shards, nullifying your ability to raise them during combat. I believe you're up, Z?"

Eyes widened and jaws dropped. In one turn, Auril had killed two of us, including our super powerful wizard friend. The surviving members all looked at each other with the most exasperated expression I'd ever seen on their faces. Heads fell into hands, onto the table, and flopped over the backs of chairs.

Chainsaw: "Well, fuck. Hopefully she can't do that shit again. And naturally nobody can do any kind of appropriate knowledge check to see if she'll be able to or not, can they?"

Z: "Even if we did, this place is kinda niche, innit? Checks'd be absurd. I vote we just beat her to a bloody pulp as quickly as possible."

Chainsaw: "I agree. Anyone have any clever ideas?"

Jay: "Can we create an A/M field?"

Steve: "No, that would negate our magic, too. And we've been using that a lot. She could probably drop blocks of ice on our heads as a ranged basic or something, too."

Z: "You straight-up copied Shiva from X, didn't you? Good God, Chris. It's like you apply stuff from any game I play to your own. I dread the day we have to fight Anima."

Steve: "Don't jinx it. He'd probably have it shooting death lasers everywhere, since, you know, Anima."

Jay: "As long as it isn't Yojimbo... Fucking Zanmato."

Chris: "How about we stop discussing my blatant plagiarism here and you guys make your moves?"

Heidi: "Yeah. Bright ideas, anyone?"

Z: "What if we summoned a waterfall of magma or something? Then we could Sparta kick her into it. Then again, that would instantly melt the ice of this place, wouldn't it?"

Chainsaw: "Most likely, yes. But it might be worth a try."

Steve: "We could soak her in oil and light that."

Jay: "She's the queen of ice or something like that. She could probably freeze the fire or something ludicrous like that."

Z: "Alright, let's just leave it at needing to kick her into the fires of Mordor if we wanted to kill her in one shot."

Jay: "Fair enough."

Z: "... Could we possibly teleport to one of the fiery Nine Hells and bring her with us? Toss her into a lake of magma or something. Close enough to the fires of Mount Doom."

This idea was quickly agreed upon. They would create a portal, use a push spell to get her through it, and then hop through and fight her on fiery terrain.

Chris: "Not so fast. Even if you're a God, you'll need prep time for creating a portal."

Jay: "You guys distract her, I'll go make a portal around the corner."

Steve: "Of course you'd run off, you goddamn French bastard."

Z: "Candy-ass."

Jay: "Logically speaking you guys are a lot more well-suited to distract her."

Z: "Oh yeah, we know that. It's just that you immediately decided that you'd be the one to make the portal and get out of the fray. Your French ancestry doesn't help."

More fun was poked at Jay before we finally let him run off and make the portal. And then the fighting began. And the group got absolutely slammed. More frigid winds were blown, but most of the time they just took a fair amount of damage. They started actually losing, to the point where Z was dealing with a broken leg and nearly in the negatives.

Z: "Shit, Jay. Hurry it up!"

Jay: "Is the portal done yet?"

Chris: "It's been about five rounds... yeah, it's good and stable."

Z: "PRAISE CTHULHU! I'll drop one of those awesome heals on myself, call her a galactic whore or something, and then run around the corner and try to get her to follow me."

Luckily for us, she fell right for Z's ass-slapping "come and get some you filthy whore" taunt. He bolted around the corner and stuck to the side of the mountain. Auril followed him around, lost track of him, and then Steve and Chainsaw teamed up for a doubly powerful push spell.

Jay: "You know, that whole taunt made you sound like you were a porn actor. 'GET SOME YOU FILTHY WHORE' sounds like it should be accompanied by a good dicking."

Z: "Jay, you are a sick, sick man. The fact that you came up with that within seconds of my saying it really makes me question where your mind is. Right now I wouldn't be surprised if it was some kind of bestiality, you freak."

Jay: "I've seen some shit..."

Chainsaw: "Aaaaand that's more than enough of that. Hop through, children. There's work to be done."

The group jumped through the portal into an incredibly unbearably hot environment where they were immediately making saves against heat strokes.

Steve: "Christ, man. Can I drop resist elements on the party?"

Chris: "Naturally. Due to the extreme heat, though, it feels like a hot summer day instead of like standing next to a bonfire."

Z: "Good, fine, great. Where's Shiva?"

Chris: "Practically melting about three squares away."

Heidi: "Is there a nearby lake of fire or something to that effect?"

Chris: "About 50 feet away you can see the lip of a volcano."

Heidi: "I wanna cast Dimension Door or something like it to create a link between our current position and a spot over the volcano to drop her into."

Chris: "That's fine, go right ahead."

The rolls were made, locations for the doors were drawn, and now all that needed to be done was a shove through it.

Z: "I got this. I'm going to kick her in the cooch and send her flying through like that."

Chris: "Roll a strength and a dex check.

A solid 19 and miserable 5.

Z: "What was the dex for?"

Chris: "You kick Auril in the vagina with the force of, well, an angry God. She staggers backwards towards the portal, but grabs onto your foot as she does. You find yourself falling down into the mouth of Mount Doom along with her."

Z's eyes got really wide and he leaned back with an expression that's incredibly difficult to describe. As far as I was aware, this was one of the first times he was facing a potentially unavoidable death.

Would he be able to pull off some kind of clever thought in a handful of seconds to save his skin? Will the much-loved asshole burn to a crisp in the magma of the mountain? Find out in the next part!

By: Vainamonien

The Language of Men

Thu, 16 May 2013 22:30:00 +0000

A little background before we begin: there was a fair amount of overlap between the various geek cliques at my school, and several of the D&D players are also anime fans of varying degrees of obsession. This will be relevant later.

Our Party:

A div-specced wizard (this player always plays the exact same build, and somehow never gets bored, whereas I get bored just playing WITH him)
Me, a fairly standard arrows-of-death ranger
A halfing kleptomaniac rogue (nothing unusual so far, the next two characters are the important ones for this story)
The most munchkin-esque member of our group is slowly being banned from the entire game, one class at a time, and is rolling as a bard this time around.
Our melee tank is a female player playing a male fighter, and trying her very best to prove that cross-gender roleplay doesn't work no matter who does it

Our group was playing as the vary standard set of murder-hobos, going from city to city, killing monsters and taking their stuff, and the bard/"leader"/party-face was complaining that all his Diplomacy and synergy skill-points where going to waste. Our kill-everything, ask no questions model of business had worked so far, but we don't want him to get cranky and upset, so we agree to let him give it a go on the next intelligent creature we see, providing it's not undead or some other abomination of evil (talking down the BBEG instead of fighting tends to upset the DM, since once of us inevitably ends up sneak-attacking them at the first opportunity anyway).

We've just left the small town we are using as our current base of operations, following the rumors to the local monsters-and-treasure outlet dungeon, and our DM asks us to make some listen checks. We fail miserably (an all-to common occurence, it seems), and he gets a wicked grin on his face. The DM makes a few rolls of his own, and his grin turns into a frown. A few "minutes" later, and our party walks around a bend in the trail to come face-to-face with a large party of orcs proceeding in the opposite direction. Everyone is too surprised momentarily to react (the orcs had apparently failed their listen checks as well, which was odd since our bard had been singing traditional dwarfish drinking songs while we hiked to keep moral up).

The orcs outnumber us more than 4-to-1, are well equipped, and at least a few of their number look to be casters of some kind. If they have more than 2 PC levels apiece, it'll be a close fight at best, and an outright slaughter (of us) at worst.

In our games, a fight significantly outside our challenge level usually indicates we've gone WAY off the rails, and are straying too far from the DM's prepped plot. It's hard to tell if this is the situation or not, since much of it comes down to what classes the orcs have, and that isn't something we can easily discern at a glance.

Our wizard nudges the diplomancy-maxed bard forward. "Well, here's a your chance; see what they want".

The bard checks his character sheet and winces. "I, uh, ...don't speak orcish."

How do you like that? A dozen obscure languages, and he hadn't bothered to pick up orcish. It was one of those things that so many characters get as a bonus language that we are used to just having it available as standard practice, and no one in the party actually bothered to learn it. Like buying yourself a fancy new crossbow and leaving town without any bolts, or not stocking up on rope and 10-ft. poles. (guess how often both have happened? hint: it's more than once)

Do the orcs speak common, maybe?

No, they do not.

Well how about giant, draconic, abyssal, sylvan, ignan, aquan, dwarven, goblin, or undercommon?

Nope, none of those; looks like the orcs don't get out much.

It would probably be a bad idea to try any dialect of elvish, right?

Probably.

The orcs are starting to look shifty, so our party fighter takes things into her own hands, without consulting the rest of us. (remember, this is a female player, male character; we'll call her "Sam" for simplicity) Sam strides purposefully forward, stopping just a few feet from the orcs, who draw back slightly in anticipation. The fighter draws "his" sword, slowwwwwwly, and holds it out in front of "him" before dropping it to the ground

The orcs all glance at the weapon briefly, then back at the fighter.

One other house-rule in our games: the DM is known to give circumstance bonuses for good roleplay, so Sam begins to describe in exquisite detail how "he" pulls off his surcoat and tunic, chainmail armor, and shirt, dropping them all the ground one by one. (IRL, Sam is still very obviously female)

All the rest of us male players are pretty much listening in far-too stereotyplical rapt silence, except for the DM, who is bracing for another BAD attempt at seduction. Remember how I mentioned anime early on? The female player is a known yaoi (male-male romance) fan, and all the orcs are most definitely male. (hey, we TRY to roleplay; it's not our fault it it makes the DM die a little inside each time)

In one motion, Sam rolls a d20 across the table and then stands up while declaring in a loud voice, "I make a DIPLOMACY CHECK! WHILE FLEXING!" She proceeds to strike her best muscle-beach pose, and attempts to looks all squinty-eyed and fierce.

There is nothing but silence for a good 30 seconds. Sam glances at the dice, and with even with an ability penalty and no ranks, proudly announces she managed an 11.

The silence thunders onward.

The DM, having slightly more presence of mind than the rest of us, recovers first (somewhat).

"The orcs, uh.... are too confused and surprised to react".

(the DM is obviously scrambing to buy himself some time, while he figures this out)

Sam scoops up the dice, and makes another roll, and takes a new pose. "I make a DIPLOMACY check, while FLEXING!" Sam's face turns red as she strains to looks as buff as a 90 pound girl can look "....14 that time!"

The DM catches on first, with the wizard and myself following a moment later. Sam is attempting to roleplay a scene from a certain anime, which shall remain nameless. You know the one I'm talking about.

The DM mutters under his breath "god help you if this doesn't stay PG" and proceeds to describe the orc's response.

"The largest orc in the group pushes his way to the front, flings his greataxe to the ground, and peels off his leather armor. He makes an INTIMIDATE check...*sigh*....while flexing."

*rolls, dice* "...15"

Sam picks up the dice again "...while FLEXING! ....13!"

(since normally we find new and interesting ways to fail at the unfailable, this is the longest string of double digit skill checks thus far in the game)

DM: *rolls dice* ...9

Sam: "WHILE FLEX-XING!"..."OMG! NATURAL 20!!!"

DM: *puts his head in his hands* "I can't ****ing believe this.".

Bard: "I can't believe she wasted a 20 like that!"

DM: "Congratulations, you've made friends with the orcs."

Sam: "WOOHOO! I win!....so do I get XP for that?"

(hey, our group may be barely competent, but we know what's important)

DM: *throws his hands up in the air* "Sure, you get all the damn XP you want"

Sam: "Really?"

DM: "No, you get 100 XP."

The bard, who has been cowering in the back up until this point, eventually redeems himself somewhat by bartering with the orcs, trading some uncut gems we hadn't been able to spend for a selection of very useful potions.

We part ways, waving goodbye to our new collection of orcish brothers-in-arms, and having learned a valuable lesson about not murdering every humanoid we come across just because they have different color skin, or tusks, or their entire race treats women like garbage.

Two sessions and "three days" later, we return to the small mountain village, laden with treasure and new tales of derring-do and failed knowledge checks ("how was I supposed to know it was a rust monster and not a demon? I'll buy you a new silvered-sword with my share of the loot as soon as we get back to the city, I promise").

In our absence, the village has been looted, pillaged, and mostly burned to the ground by the orcish raiding party we where supposed to fight.

By: Deepbluediver

Vow of Poverty

Mon, 13 May 2013 22:15:00 +0000

I played a VoP Druid. I was handed a boatload of gold and I had no idea what to do with it.

So I bought a massive expanse of wilderness. I hired a bunch of Druids to manage it, and put some Rangers on the payroll to help the Druids keep an eye on the place.

Eventually, after a few more rewards came in, I helped the Druids build a temple (out of trees) along with expanding the wildlife preserve.

So the DM asks what god/dess the temple would be dedicated to. I told him it would be dedicated to nature itself.

The DM face-palmed when he realized the joke.

I had created a...

*sunglasses*

...Non-Prophet organization.

By: Karoht

Stealing Immortality Fans

Sun, 12 May 2013 03:30:00 +0000

The Author of the story Vainamonien has deleted his reddit account, essentially hiding the last two parts of the story, so unfortunately we won't be seeing the last two parts that were left of it.

This isn't the death of the stories, though, as he does have a blog. http://stealingimmortality.blogspot.com/

He's stated he will be posting parts of the story in a more long-term form there for reading, so you aren't entirely out of luck.

I apologize for not getting the last of the story when I had the chance, but this caught me by surprise and I didnt expect them to disappear. If you come across part 17 and 18 online, feel free to email them to me and I'll add them here.

**update**

A user on Facebook found the stories, they'll be going up on the site now.

-CaptainZM

Stealing Immortality, Part 16

Sun, 05 May 2013 23:25:00 +0000

When we last left off we had climbed the most prominent mountain on the first level of Pandemonium, searching for the Gods Loki and Auril! About halfway up the mountain, Loki had appeared before us and told us to get the hell off of his mountain! Naturally we told him to shove it, which caused, in Z's words, "A massive HF-spitting Sephiroth bug" to break through the mountain. Would Steve's utterance of the possibility of a Jenova bug completely screw us over?

Initiative was rolled, and for the first time in a while, most of us rolled like shit, with Heidi managing to move before everyone else before the Sephiroth bug made its assault.

Heidi: "So what do we do with this thing? We don't have much room to maneuver. We're on a tiny outcropping."

Steve: "I don't know, man. Get somewhere out of its reach and start tossing buffs around or something."

Chainsaw: "That's probably the most sensible idea until we figure out whether or not we can even get through its chitin."

Z: "What are its feet like?"

Chris: "They're like stilettos. Just sharp, pointed stumpy things."

Z: "Alright, so pushing it is probably out, and it's most likely immune to cold. Fantastic."

Steve: "Why not thunderfuck it or something?"

Z: "If I know Chris as much as I like to think I do, then he's been keeping notes on our tactical madness and has several contingencies with this thing. We might have to actually fight it."

Jay: "Woah. The evil mastermind's stumped?"

Z: "I'm not stumped, it's just likely that Chris is prepared for the madness for once. We've taken out two of his fancy Gods without really trying so far."

Jay: "Fair enough."

And so the fight began. Buffs were placed, Heidi found a spot out of the Sephiroth bug's reach, and then the bug began its reign of terror. Its first course of action was to vomit HF (Hydroflouric acid to the non-chemistry minded) all over the playing field, placing a countdown on how long the platform would hold. Chris had it go straight for Z, and managed to hit him for quite a bit and give him a hell of a poison.

Z: "Hmph. Only took you the better part of two sessions to get some damage in. God liver engage!"

Chris: "Nope. This creature is accustomed to clashing with higher beings, and its poison cannot be normally processed by any means."

Z: "This dance of ours will end one day. What does it do?"

Chris: "The poison is unique in the sense that it does not cause any damage, but saps away magical and divine abilities, severely weakening Gods and the like."

Eyes widened to the size of saucers. We all looked at each other with an, "oh shit" written on our faces.

Steve: "Most of us are Divine. Chainsaw, me, Z, and Heidi. Your time to shine, boy wonder."

Z: "Why must I always think of everything? ...Hide me somewhere and petrify me. The poison won't survive if I'm made of rock. Then remove the petrification. No more poison. But keep that thing away from me. It still spits the most powerful acid known to man."

Steve: "Atta boy. I'll petrify him. Heidi, unstone him. It's all you guys until we're back in the fight."

"Hard" does not even begin to describe the difficulty of this fight. The beast had a massive AC. Spells bounced right off of it. It could act more than once in a turn. However, the dice were against Chris and we had gotten fairly large AC buffs, but all in all, nobody was winning.

Chris: "As the battle rages on in favor of no particular side, the ice beneath you begins to crack and give way. The acid has melted through in some areas, weakening the ice severely. You have about two rounds before it breaks."

For the first time in a while, everyone was fairly stressed. Nobody knew how to deal with this thing. It was almost as invincible as we were. Jay, Steve, and Z were looking at each other, eyes darting back and forth at one another. It was like they were having some kind of conversation with just their eyes.

Chris: "The level of silence over there is unnerving. What are you bastards up to?"

They completely ignored him and continued doing this for a few more minutes. They nodded and turned back to the rest of the group.

Steve: "We're gonna call out the bug on being Loki. I don't know why we didn't think of this before. God of trickery, illusions, and shapeshifting? Come, now."

Z: "It would take eons of evolution for this thing to be able to stand up to a God. Everything else that wasn't a God that we've fought here dropped like a fly. As far as we see it, there can't be any other explanation. And with being the God of illusions..."

Jay: "We guarantee you he's secretly been taking a pounding underneath that thing. I believe perception or insight would be the right thing to use."

Chris kept his cool and let them roll. You can't just detect the God of trickery like that, can you? Evidently you could, because all three of them rolled natural 20s. They looked up at him with massive, shit-eating grins.

Chris: "I really didn't think you'd think of that... well done. You look hard at the Sephiroth bug and determine that it is, indeed, Loki shrouded by an illusion so strong that it's actually caused you damage. You can see that he has sustained quite a few blows beneath it."

Z: "I fucking knew it. We were rolling against Loki and you were saving against the damage to keep the illusion going and looking unharmed. You clever bastard, you."

They spread the news to the rest of the group, and we started striking right through the shade, alarming Loki and causing him to fall flat on his ass. As evidenced by many a movie, he's not exactly the toughest God, so we beat him heavily until he was unable to move. It was a bit like the Avengers when the Hulk slammed him on the ground repeatedly.

Z: "All you, Jay. Stomp his face in."

And so Jay curb stomped the God of trickery, crushing his skull beneath his boot. He tossed him right over the edge of the mountain, and soaked up his powers. But before we could consider what we did next, Chris interrupted.

Chris: "Very well done. But if you know the Norse legends of Loki, you'd know that he was chained beneath a serpent dripping acidic venom over his head and back. The acid was quite real. The ice finally splits beneath you and begins to slide down the side of the mountain, and you start to free fall along with it."

Chainsaw: "Well, shit. That's no fun. Now what?"

Heidi: "Fly?"

Chris: "Certainly doable, yes,"

Heidi: "Then we shall Fly!"

And so we flew up, up, and away, towards the mountain's summit.

Chris: "As you accelerate towards the summit, the air becomes incredibly cold and thin, forcing you to stop and land. A large cloud of freezing white air begins to drift towards you, eventually surrounding you and forcing the mortals among you into a cryosleep-like state. The Gods are able to resist and you all watch as the cloud begins to take the shape of a beautiful woman, who begins to walk towards you. A devilish smirk makes its way across her face as she arms herself with equipment of ice, preparing for the inevitable battle..."

By: Vainamonien

Need Your Story Fix?

Fri, 03 May 2013 04:15:00 +0000

If you've been here long you've probably noticed the stories are added on a three day schedule. But if that's not enough story for you to get your daily fix, theres a new subreddit that started up that should have you covered.

They not only have Tabletop stories but stories from games too, and a lot of them are pretty damn good reads. So, if you have caught up here, maybe after your 2nd or 3rd re-read of past stories (Haha), take a look at Game Tales.

As always, expect more stories here regularly, and keep sending in the stories you guys create in your own games. Some DAMN good stories have come from user submissions and I can't wait to read more of them.

-CaptainZM

Stealing Immortality, Part 15

Thu, 02 May 2013 23:20:00 +0000

When we last left off, the dwarf God was dead, and Steve had joined Z and Chainsaw in their Godhood. We were rolling off on who would go next, and it was Jay's turn to pick a God to slay.

Chris: "Alright, before we go any further, I'm banning using Z as a resource. There will be no more conspiring with him to drop Gods. Naturally he can assist, but I don't want any more meetings out of game to do shit like that. That was a load of bullshit and the both of you fucking know it."

Z: "I don't think I've ever heard that many vulgarities out of you before."

Chris: "Yeah, well, I'm serious this time. This is the second God you've dropped before he could do anything. I was expecting something clever, but that was some goddamn bullshit."

Steve: "I can see where you're coming from with that. In hindsight it was pretty cheap."

Jay: "So because Z helped make a mockery of your encounters by being an evil mastermind, you're leaving the rest of us to our own devices? Good luck, Heidi. You're going to need it."

Z: "She cheated the Deck of Many Things all by herself. I think she'll be just fine. More worried about you, Jay. I could never figure out exactly what you were thinking, but are you still clever enough to play one over on Chris after all these years?"

Jay: "Is that a challenge, boy?"

Z: "Maybe it is."

Jay: "Three turns max and whatever God I pick is down."

Z: "Throw a dart at a piece of paper listing the remaining Gods and I'll put $100 on it."

Jay: "Deal."

The list was made and tacked to the dart board. We blindfolded Jay and let him throw. And then the unthinkable happened. He took off his blindfold after throwing the dart, and all the blood drained from his face.

Asmodeus.

Jay: "NOPE. Take the Benjamin."

Z: "I don't want it until you've led us down to the bottom layer of hell to fight him. You can give it to me after he rips your face off."

Steve: "Is Asmodeus even statted? I don't think anyone would be dumb enough to fight him. Doesn't his blood turn into pit fiends or something?"

Chris: "Yeah, he's statted. You don't even want to know how tough this guy is."

Jay: "Shut up and take the money. I'm not fighting him. No way."

Z: "Alright, fine. Throw again."

And once again he was blindfolded and tossing darts. Erythnul.

Jay: "Alright, what's this guy do?"

Chainsaw: "Drives you insane by looking at you or swinging his hammer. Just getting to him may drive you insane. There's also Loki and some other dude that share a part of the plane above him, which is the easiest to move around in."

Jay: "Alright, let's do Loki and the other guy. Two birds with one stone."

Heidi: "The other guy is Auril, some winter woman. The plane they're on is an endless winter... place."

Jay: "Well... shit. We can't work with Z anymore?"

Chris: "Nope."

Heidi: "Can you make an exception? There are two Gods here now."

Chris: "Hmmm... you can ask him questions. Z, your answers can only be one word."

Jay and I were going to be the two to take them on. Jay would fight Loki, and I'd take Auril. The game with Z began, which was fairly difficult to work with. We're lucky Chris gave us a break, because the oncoming fight would be incredibly difficult. It was a long conversation, but we managed to get an idea together.

Jay: "Loki's a shapeshifter, and Auril has an affinity for cold. What do we do with Loki?"

Z: "Identify."

Me: "How do we do that?"

Z: "Scent."

Jay: "Scent? What do you mean, scent?"

Z: "Companion."

Jay: "Right, summoning animal companions. But if we got a dog or something, we'd need to keep it alive and get Loki's scent before we fought him."

Z: "Trickery."

Chainsaw: "He's the God of trickery. The dog could sniff out illusions he creates. But if he sees us climbing his mountain thing, he'll attack for sure. What do we do to get his scent?"

Z: "Us."

Me: "Brilliant. There's not going to be much of a scent in a winter wasteland. So if he knows our scents, he'll go after whatever doesn't smell like us. Is that what you're getting at?"

Z: "Yep."

Jay: "Alright, it only took an hour, but we've got a plan."

Heidi: "Loki and Auril share the realm, though. What if Auril comes to help?"

Z: "Lightning."

Heidi: "Why lightning?"

Z: "Metal."

Heidi: "... What?"

Z: "Fire."

Heidi: "An electrical fire?"

Jay: "That's pretty clever. But how do we conjure an electrical fire?"

Z: "Godhood."

Chainsaw: "Alright, so we identify Loki with a dog and beat the shit out of him. Heidi, take care of the dog. If and when Auril comes along, we do some God stuff and conjure trees wrapped in metal and nail it with lightning. That'll heat up the wires and hopefully ignite the trees. That'll keep Auril busy for a round or two, right?"

Steve: "Why aren't we using fire?"

Z: "Melt."

Steve: "Right, the ice would melt if we hurled fireballs everywhere... I'll be on tree duty. Chainsaw can do metal, and Z can do lightning. We good?"

Jay: "Alright, let's roll out. Can he talk normally now?"

Chris: "Yeah, I guess."

Jay: "Where do you put our chances with this plan?"

Z: "Well, since you guys pieced it together and I can't tell you my plan due to Chris being a jerk, I'd say the chances are low if we follow this exactly."

Chris: "Wait... you gave them a horrible plan?"

Z: "Essentially, yes. There's two other Gods now. They can handle it while I do my thing. Just do what you guys have and I'll do my thing. I've got this."

Chainsaw: "Can we at least get a general idea?"

Z: "Well, I tricked Ormet, another God of trickery, so what's another one? Granted Ormet was mortal, but that's what makes Loki so much more fun. He'll probably read us his memoirs before he attacks, anyway. Plenty of time to work it."

Steve: "A bit nervous about this if you gave us a shit plan. But I'll trust you to do your thing."

Z: "It's not a shit plan, it's just... lacking."

Jay: "Well, let's put the lacking plan to use, then."

With that, we made our way to Pandemonium and began making our way through the winding, endless tunnels until we reached what we were looking for.

Z: "How cold is it?"

Chris: "As cold as a witch's tit. Non-Gods take penalties."

Heidi: "Endure elements."

Chris: "No more penalties, I suppose."

We trekked our way to a massive mountain thingy, which we assumed would be where Loki would be. After loads and loads of climb, strength, and dexterity checks, we made it to a small platform. After the last of us had climbed up, Loki faded into view.

Z: "Welp, there goes the element of surprise."

Loki: "Why are you here? You have no reason to be. Go back and I will spare you."

Jay: "Nope. We're coming up."

Chainsaw: "He's probably an illusion. The real Loki's probably jerking it at the top or something."

The shade of Loki scowled and disappeared.

Z: "Yeah... I don't like that."

Steve: "Me neither. That's... not good. Not good at all. He knows we're here now, and that we know what he does. He could stomp on us."

Chris: "As you debate what to do in this situation, a barely audible rumbling comes from within the mountain. It gets louder and louder until a massive bug-like creature crashes through the rock. It stands on four legs and has a light blue carapace that blends in with the surrounding snow. The legs are all bladed at the tips, and its mouth oozes with venom that sizzles through the rock below it."

Z: "Great. We're dealing with a giant bug that spits HF. It could be an illusion, but we should probably beat the shit out of it anyway."

Chris: "As you question whether or not it's an illusion, it lets out a blood-curdling scream and slashes at the rock beneath your feet, which is sliced into three pieces and begins to slide and fall down the mountain as you just barely dodge the blow."

Z: "It's like a Sephiroth bug that drools HF."

Steve: "... If it's a Sephiroth bug, Jenova bug isn't far behind, is it?"

Jay: "Great, put some more murderous bug thing ideas in his head. Why don't you recommend tentacle monsters next?"

Z: "Don't be stupid, tentacle monsters need Japanese schoolgirls to survive. Not many schoolgirls would be passing through here, would they?"

And with that, initiative was rolled and weapons were drawn as the battle with the giant Sephiroth bug began!

By: Vainamonien

Stealing Immortality, Part 14

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 23:20:00 +0000

Alright, it's been a whole two days since the last part of SI! When we last left off, Chainsaw had earned his immortality and we were assaulting Abbathor in order for Steve to claim his Godhood. He had also nearly died from a hit to stomach from a hammer thrown with the force of 1,000 dying stars.

Steve: "Aww right. Let's get it ON!"

Chainsaw: "We may be here to support you, but this is still your fight man. Do you have a plan?"

Steve: "'Course I have a plan. Been working it out for quite a while now. Been conniving with the resident evil mastermind."

Our eyes widened. Back in the day, Steve had been the chaotic, evil bastard known for ruining campaigns and dropping BBEGs like nobody's business. And now he had teamed up with the kid who had one-upped Chris.

Heidi: "So how quickly can we expect this fight to end, then?"

Z: "Very, if everything comes together. Which it will. If it doesn't, there's contingencies."

Chainsaw: "Should we let you guys do your thing?"

Steve: "No, we'll still need support. More damage and stuff helps, naturally."

Jay: "My Spidey sense is tingling."

Heidi: "What does it say?"

Jay: "Chris is fucked."

Chris: "Thanks, Jay. I love the support you give me. I know I'm the DM and the one controlling the NPCs here, but come on. At least a little love."

And so initiative was rolled, and Steve and Z had gotten lucky. 19 and 17, just barely ahead of Abbathor, with a 15. The rest of us rolled like shit.

Steve: "Nice. Let's do this. Alright, I'm gonna attach a couple flasks of oil to my arrows and use that fancy thing that lets me fire multiple in one turn. And then I'm gonna nope the fuck to the other side of the room."

All three he fired landed, soaking Abbathor in oil and generally making him frustrated. Steve sprinted away, cackling like a maniac. It was that "oh shit he's gonna kill me!" kind of laugh.

Z: "Phase two: I'm gonna split the fucking earth beneath the largest treasure pile in the room."

Chainsaw: "So you covered him in oil... for nothing?"

Z: "That's where you're wrong. Very, very wrong. He's the Dwarven God of greed. Once his gold starts falling into the bowels of the plane, he's gonna run right for it. And since he's covered in oil..."

Steve: "... He'll slip right down there with it. And since the oil was the primary cause of his demise, if I'm correct, the powers will transfer to me. And even if they don't, Z can always toss Abbathor's powers my way."

Everybody's eyes widened as we looked to each other, and then at Chris. Z and Steve were sitting there, high fiving each other and generally celebrating.

Heidi: "Shouldn't he get a check to save versus falling into the fissure?"

Steve: "Indeed he does, but Dwarves have naturally sucky agility, and the whole covered in oil part's gonna cause a penalty. And if he's distracted by the gold falling into the ground, his check should be even harder."

Z: "Think of it this way: Wario, who we all know is a greedy bastard, would be more concerned about his treasures than the possibility of death. This dude is essentially a super-powered Wario. His checks will probably be boosted by the whole God thing and all, but come now. The fissure is about ten feet wide. He'll be slipping and sliding like a horse on a skating rink covered in lube."

It's hard not to laugh at the thought of the lube horse thing, and we all looked to Chris. Once again, he looked defeated. He rolled Abbathor's agility check, and strength to try and grab onto a ledge, and critically failed the first and got a 5 on the other. As usual, the dice were on the side of Z and Steve.

Chris: "You sly motherfuckers... again, you drop a God before a turn can even end. Goddammit. I should ban Z as a resource. Alright... Abbathor flips his shit at the sight of his money falling into a massive crack in the ground. He runs to it with a Darth Vader "NOOOOO!" going on, and as he does, he slips and falls, falling into the fissure. He tries to grab the ledge, but his oil-covered hands and coins still on the surface cause him to lose his grip and fall. Once again, a shining, colorless light shoots up from the ground after a few second, rushing towards Steve. You feel the powers of the Gods rushing through your body. Another one of you has done the unthinkable."

Steve: "Awww yeeeeeah. Not really unthinkable. We thought of it."

Z: "You flatter me. You take the credit; this was mostly your idea, you know. I just provided the fissure."

They bantered back and forth, telling the other they deserved the credit more than he did.

Jay: "So how long are you going to caress each other's egos for? It's kind of uncomfortable, like teenagers making out in the park."

Steve: "Alright, alright."

Heidi: "Shall we roll off on the next taker?"

We did, and Jay won the roll.

Jay: "How about we go to the Abyss? Everything there is going to be fisting its asshole. Chaotic Evil and all. No attention will be paid."

Heidi: "I like it."

Z: "Same. Let's go fuck up Lolth."

Chainsaw: "How about we fuck up someone that isn't the goddess of the spiders? Spiders are scary, dude."

Steve: "Yeah man, you can go on your own if you want. I'm staying away from that one. Let's go with a less scary one."

And so we got our shit together, Z and Steve cackling like Hyenas the whole way. Three of us were Gods, and the fourth was about to obtain it himself.

By: Vainamonien

Stealing Immortality, Part 13

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 23:15:00 +0000

Chainsaw ran right at the wounded God, unloading all of his most powerful attacks into him while he was trying to recuperate. Meanwhile, Z and Gandalf were unleashing their most powerful spells at the hordes of angry kobolds, calling down lightning, striking areas with waves of flame, and unleashing bursts of air so cold that the beasts were frozen solid before they could even comprehend the situation. They were handling the seemingly endless waves well, pushing them back and preventing them from advancing. We all assisted Chainsaw as well as we could, tossing in our own attacks when we had an opening and buffing and healing him while he struck the God with all of his might, unloading his most powerful abilities upon him. His wounds eventually crippled him to the point of senselessness, rendering his attempts at attacking futile as they were easily dodged or parried.

The waves of kobolds from the mineshaft began to overwhelm Z and Gandalf, so we turned to help them, as Chainsaw seemed to have the Kurtulmak situation under control. Hordes upon hordes of kobolds charged, slowly becoming more and more powerful in an effort to defeat us after seeing their God's pain. Even the powers of a grand magus and a God could not hold back their rampaging fury, and we all pitched in to help them.

Just when it seemed like we would be completely overwhelmed, Chainsaw landed a natural 20 on his to hit roll with an exceptionally powerful attack, slaying the God of the kobolds and sending his minions fleeing in fear.

Chris: "You swing your axe, bolstered by your sheer will and blessed with Holy might, downwards at the God. It cleaves right into where the neck meets the shoulder, slashing open his jugular and nearly severing his head from his body. He falls to his knees while he attempts to stem the bleeding from his neck, but his efforts prove useless as the last of his breath leaves his lungs. A colorless energy begins to seep from Kurtulmak's neck wound, swirling around as it begins to join with its new master. You feel the energy flowing through you at an incredible rate. Your strength increases drastically as the last of the energy flows into you. There is no doubt about it; you have achieved Godhood."

Chainsaw: "Nice."

Z: "Welcome to the club, brother."

Steve: "Two down, four to go. Where do we go now?"

Z: "Ohhh, where to we go now? Where do we go... Ooooooo, where do we go now?"

Jay: "... Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye..."

Steve: "WHERE DO WE GO NOW, AAA-AAAAH-A-A-AAAHHH, WHERE DO WE GO?!"

And so we sang that part of Sweet Child O' Mine again as some kind of victory song.

Heidi: "Alright, seriously now. Where are we headed next?"

Chainsaw: "Well, there's two Gods among us now. We'll have a much easier time. And Gandalf might as well be a God, too. We've caused enough havoc here; let's go to a different evil plane. I imagine the devils here will be searching for us soon, too. We just slew one of their Gods in his own mine."

Jay: "Very true. Who wants to pick next?"

We rolled off, and next up for Godliness was Steve.

Steve: "Sweet. Uhhh... let's go to Hades."

Z: "I hope you don't mean the God, since, you know, he's regarded as being the most powerful one in the entirety of the Outer Planes."

Steve: "Yeah, no. Fuck that noise... who's Incabulos?"

Heidi: "Basically all of the Four Horsemen combined into one guy."

Steve: "Alright, sweet. Let's go take him out."

Z: "No. Pick another one."

Steve: "But this one's my decision..."

Heidi: "Yeah, sorry hun. That one isn't happening. Do something simpler, we'll kill that one later."

Steve: "Alright, fine... How about... Abbathor? He's the dwarf God of greed, luck, and trickery."

Z: "Good God, by the time we're done the Planes will have ran out of the smaller races if we keep this up."

Steve: "DEATH TO THE MIDGETS! To Glitterhell!"

Jay: "Problem."

Steve: "What now?"

Jay: "Nobody knows where it is. We're gonna be dicking around the Gray Wastes for a while."

Steve: "Perfectly fine. More experience."

Jay: "For those of us who still need it. Alright, let's roll out."

And so we spent many, many days traveling the vast expanses of the first level of the Gray Wastes, Oinos, searching for some kind of cave filled with gold and gemstones. Eventually, we stumbled upon a mountain with a mouth fitting the description.

Steve: "Rockin'. Let's get to work."

We were opposed by plenty of golems made of gems and gold, massive cave spiders, and other nasty things you'd find in caves. We didn't bother with the precious stones or ore and kept walking deeper and deeper into the mines, until we reached a thick door made of solid gold and inlaid with gems the size of a baby's head.

Steve: "Sweet. I run up and kick the door in."

Chris: "Make a strength check."

Steve: "Alright, I don't run up and kick the door in. Can our God friends kick it in?"

Z: "Chainsaw, would you like to do the honors?"

Chainsaw: "You take one, I'll take the other."

Naturally, the doors crumpled and flew open due to their sheer power. Steve strode in confidently through the place where the doors once were. Right as he stepped into the room, Chris stopped him.

Chris: "As you enter the room, a hammer inlaid with gold and jewels flies across the room, nailing you square in the stomach. Do a constitution check."

He failed miserably.

Chris: "Save against death."

Steve: "Whaaaat? He threw the hammer THAT hard?"

Z: "Well, he is a God."

The dice were on his side, and he landed a natural 20. He sustained a massive amount of damage, but he got back up and we healed him.

Steve: "Alright, you guys go first."

Chainsaw entered first this time, brandishing his battleaxe. On the other side of the room, a particularly grumpy looking dwarf sat on a throne of gold and jewels.

Abbathor: "What the blazes do you want? Go away, I'm busy."

Steve: "Doing what, man? Playing with yourself while you hoard your gold all up in here?"

Z: "That was possibly the lamest thing you could say, Steve."

Steve: "Shut up, man. I've got this."

Z: "What, you're gonna talk him into giving up his Godhood? Alright, be my guest. I'll chill back here and-"

Steve: "No, don't do that. Still need help. He's tough."

Abbathor: "Damn right I am. Get the hell out before I crush you like a bug, cocky little bastard."

Steve: "No way, man. Them's fightin' words."

Chainsaw: "We should have picked someone and let him get the killing blow or something like that. He's gonna die. A lot."

Jay: "Yeah, probably. But, it was his pick, and I suppose we're here to support him, aren't we?"

Z: "Bros do stick together. Even though it's kind of reluctantly at the moment."

And so we rolled off initiative, and jumped right into battle. Luckily, Steve had taken to being a clever bastard like Z, and the fight became very interesting, very quickly...

By: Vainamonien

Disarmed

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 02:05:00 +0000

Our Bard is named Sexrex Hardington and his name is every indication of his actions. He is so lustful that he will attempt to sleep with/seduce everything regardless of gender, species, and intent to kill him.

On a mission to destroy a magical portal in a forest we were ambushed by a centaur and some human/dog hybrids (not werewolves). Our party began dispatching the dogmen while Sexrex and I went after the Centaur. Sexrex then attempted to stab the centaur with his... "dagger". The DM tried to talk him into doing something else before finally giving, though he declared he could not attack with it until his next turn. Next up was my cleric who attempted to smash the centaur with a warhammer and ended up rolling a nat 1. I missed the centaur, lost control of the backswing, and sent Sexrex's weapon flying off into the distance. His next three turns were spent in the fetal position.

By: MJR